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Being a woman in my late 30s, I’ve always believed that politeness is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a satisfying life, I’ve battled very low self-confidence. This mix of aiming to be considerate and doubting myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Often, it happens so quickly that I’m not even aware of it. It originates in anxiety and has influenced both my personal and work life. It annoys my family and friends and colleagues, and then I get annoyed when they mention it—which only worsens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Asking Questions

This excessive apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to public speaking or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay on track and avoid anxious tangents, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an early-career academic in politics, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through facing fears, such as teaching classes and compelling myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing embarrassments from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I fall back to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t think I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still value life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to stop the frequent sorrys. I’ve heard that professional help might assist me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a strain on others.

Exploring the Causes

A therapist might explore where this habit comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it self-inspired or learned from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once benefited us become harmful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-sabotage. You know it annoys those around you, yet you continue it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than acting. Much of helpful sessions is about self-awareness, not just problem-solving. A qualified professional will supportively question you, offering a comfortable setting to examine and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a relational approach with a humanist therapist might be more beneficial. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you view, dismiss, and criticize yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-esteem can develop from there.

Practical Steps

Changing long-standing behaviors is challenging, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an effort to avoid embarrassment or being seen, by recognizing perceived flaws before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and nervousness.

Even processing later can be helpful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel listened to without you taking accountability.

This process will take persistence, but recognizing there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward change.